8 Things Every Pastor Wants To Say To Certain People...But Shouldn't

Having been a pastor for more than 18 years, I can say with a high degree of confidence that there are many things that pastors want to say to certain people within their church, but shouldn’t. If they did it wouldn’t be very Christ-like or mature even if it made them temporarily feel better. I know that there have been plenty of times you pastors wish you could have said what you felt, but chose to keep silent. Just for fun, I put together a list of eight things every pastor wants to say to certain people but shouldn’t. As you read the list someone in your church might come to mind. Just promise me you won’t snicker when you see them this weekend. Enjoy.

1. I don’t like you.
OK, I admit it, I don’t like you, never have, because you are a jerk. I try to love you and see you through compassionate eyes, but it’s a real struggle. Maybe it’s because you gossip all the time or because you want public praise even though you contributed nothing. Maybe it’s because you have no integrity or insist on creating controversy over everything. Whatever the reason, I don’t like you and probably never will. There, I said it and I meant it. 

2. Stop pretending to be generous.
You complain that the church isn’t giving enough to missions, that it should do more outreach, and that it has too many paid staff. At the same time you put your kids in our kids ministry, attend services in a climate controlled facility, and have even taken up my time receiving counsel and yet you don’t give anything. Really? Jesus called people like you hypocrites. In fact, you would make a really good Pharisee. I bet you could buy an outfit to match your attitude on Ebay. Thanks for nothing, literally nothing.   

3. Your excuses for not sharing your faith are lame. 
Every week we talk about making disciples and it goes in one ear and out the other. You say “It wasn’t the right time” “I didn’t feel led” and “I’m waiting for the Lord to prompt me” knowing full well Jesus already told you to go tell the world about him. These lame excuses bore me. You don’t talk about your faith with anyone and then wonder why the church isn’t growing. Have you ever thought you might be part of the problem? Duh!   

4. You are gossip.
If Gossip was a sauce, you would smother everything in it. For being such an upstanding Christian, you sure have a big mouth. And when you say “bless their heart” it doesn’t mean that your criticism magically turned into a godly comment. I wish you would stop cutting others with your comments because they hurt, bad.

5. Do you actually listen to any of the message? 
You are fascinated by the so-called “deeper” spiritual truths, but in reality you don’t even apply simple truths like “make disciples of all nations” “love your neighbor” and “care for the poor.” In fact all you do is consume. Here is a thought: Get off your butt cheeks and serve somewhere, anywhere. Just stop asking to go deeper and start doing something with your faith.   

6. Don’t just come to church to pick up chicks.
I know we have awesome coffee and an incredible environment. We have these to reach more people for Christ not just so you can sip coffee and try to pick up chicks as they walk in. That’s just wrong. It actually irritates me that you want to find a biblical woman but have no intentions of treating her like one. The next time I see you I might just kick you in the junk.

7. Stop being so self-righteous.
I have noticed that you have a holier than thou attitude and it’s irritating. You are not a better mom, dad, husband, wife, disciple, and person in general than anybody else. In fact, you put on a good show but behind your judgmental attitude we all know you have issues. So knock it off and admit you are a work in progress like everybody else.

8. Feel free to leave anytime.
You have sat on the sidelines complaining about everything from the nursery being too crowded, the band being too loud, the music too fast, and that we don’t do enough to care for our members, and that the Elders have no idea how to lead the church. I have to be honest, why don’t you just find another church? Don’t worry about me; I’ll get over you leaving sooner than you think. And no, I’m not going to call and beg you to come back.